I'm on somewhat of an emotional roller-coaster these days, so anything I write should be taken with a grain of salt...
For years I've been trying to figure out why God treats similar people SO differently. Oh, I know he's trying to build different things in our lives.
Take two missionary families, who both go to the USA for Home Ministry at the same time, and both need to raise funds for a new vehicle. At the end of the year, one returns (ours) and is able to buy an old used Land Rover in constant need of repairs. The second family returns with enuf money to buy a brand new air-conditioned Land Cruiser. (That was over 15 years ago; we have had 3 more used vehicles in that time, and the Land Cruiser is still on the road).
Then there's the fact that we prayed faithfully for a teacher to come help home school our children so I could continue in ministry. In 17 years of home schooling, we never once found anyone, but fellow miss'ys in the same town had (and have) teachers year after year.
Some extenuating circumstances:
The second family in the car situation belongs to a home church which provides almost 100% of their member miss'ys' support, as well as many of their project expenses.
Some of the families who got teachers belong to a mission which pools all support so their teachers did not have to wait until they had raised all their support before they could come. Another family belongs to a well-known agency with thousands of members, and therefore abundant human resources.
Okay, but does God need me to make excuses for him by stating these extenuating circumstances? He would be a pitiful God indeed if he is able to abundantly supply the needs only of those who belong to rich churches or big mission agencies.
So why, all other things being seemingly equal, did he not do for us as he did for those others? Enquiring minds want to know!!!
Since I am feeling less emotional than when I began this entry several hours ago, here are some (slightly) objective observations:
-We certainly learned to trust in the Lord, not in vehicles! I remember a one-year period when I should have been stranded at least 3 times, but He miraculously intervened and I was rescued. (Still, He would have less work to do if He just gave us a good car).
-For the past few years, I didn't pray or recruit all that diligently for a teacher (but that was partly b/c I stopped believing God would answer -- not that He could not answer b/c he was certainly doing so for others, but for some reason in our case He would not).
-I am grateful for having home schooled my kids. Even tho I did so out of necessity, not conviction, I came to consider it a privilege.
Something to be grateful for: I know some miss'ys who have been trying to raise support for a long time, are convinced God has called them to the field, and long to be serving Him overseas -- but who just can't get enuf money to do so. We've had our ups and downs of support over the last 20-some years, but God has kept us here where, not only are we serving Him, but we love to be! In light of that, my other complaints seem petty.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
Empty Nest Syndrome
"I missed them, but of the two of us, I think it was worse for Allie. She may have been a painter, but she was first and foremost a mother, and once the kids were gone, it was like she wasn't exactly who she was anymore. At least for a while, anyway." The Wedding (Nicholas Sparks), p. 59
This week we took the last of our 4 children to boarding school. She is 12, in 8th grade, and has been more than ready to go for over a year. But, oh, it has been soooo hard letting her go. Every now and then I say (only half teasing), "Remember, Susanna, if you want to stay home, just say the word..." and I get the typical adolescent, "Mo-om!" in reply.
So now, all 4 of our children are in Senegal, DD#1 as an English teacher, and the other 3 as students (only DD#2 actually has her big sister for a class, DS will have her next year). They are absolutely thrilled to all be together, as you can imagine (altho they are not living together in one place).
I'm not handling this Empty Nest stuff very well. I've been struggling with this all summer, having bouts of depression and so on. It's not so much losing the kids; it's: what do I do with myself now? The work I did in the local church before I started home schooling is all being done by Malians now -- and that's GOOD, we are supposed to work ourselves out of a job! So now I have to find another niche for myself. It would be nice if there were an office or a school for me to go work in, but it doesn't work that way. There's plenty to be done, but you have to be somewhat of a self-starter -- and I am pretty weak in that area!
I've started making lists of things I can do. But I don't want this to be just 'busy work.' And I don't want to do things which a local person could do, thus depriving them of a job/ministry. I plan to spend more time traveling with Jim on his many bush trips, and he will be glad have to have me with him. I may also have to start studying the Fulani language. I don't expect to become fluent (after 9 years he is not), but people always appreciate that you make the effort and it builds bridges.
On the other hand, having left off the kids... maybe it IS about losing them!
This week we took the last of our 4 children to boarding school. She is 12, in 8th grade, and has been more than ready to go for over a year. But, oh, it has been soooo hard letting her go. Every now and then I say (only half teasing), "Remember, Susanna, if you want to stay home, just say the word..." and I get the typical adolescent, "Mo-om!" in reply.
So now, all 4 of our children are in Senegal, DD#1 as an English teacher, and the other 3 as students (only DD#2 actually has her big sister for a class, DS will have her next year). They are absolutely thrilled to all be together, as you can imagine (altho they are not living together in one place).
I'm not handling this Empty Nest stuff very well. I've been struggling with this all summer, having bouts of depression and so on. It's not so much losing the kids; it's: what do I do with myself now? The work I did in the local church before I started home schooling is all being done by Malians now -- and that's GOOD, we are supposed to work ourselves out of a job! So now I have to find another niche for myself. It would be nice if there were an office or a school for me to go work in, but it doesn't work that way. There's plenty to be done, but you have to be somewhat of a self-starter -- and I am pretty weak in that area!
I've started making lists of things I can do. But I don't want this to be just 'busy work.' And I don't want to do things which a local person could do, thus depriving them of a job/ministry. I plan to spend more time traveling with Jim on his many bush trips, and he will be glad have to have me with him. I may also have to start studying the Fulani language. I don't expect to become fluent (after 9 years he is not), but people always appreciate that you make the effort and it builds bridges.
On the other hand, having left off the kids... maybe it IS about losing them!
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Where I've been...
I was somewhat shocked to see that I have not been to this site for over 3 mos., since April 25 ! I went to the States in May to attend DD#1's grad from college. We are so very proud of her. She graduated summa cum laude in English & Adolescence Education. She's even talking about getting her Ph.D someday. Meanwhile, she is coming to teach HS English at Dakar Academy for the next 2 years. For the next year, at least, all 4 of my children will be in the same place.
On the other hand, this also means DD#3 is leaving us to go to boarding school in 2 weeks, leaving us with an empty nest. I am surprised at how much this is bothering me, as it has been long anticipated. I am consequently going thru some sort of a Mid-life Crisis (as dramatic as that sounds!) and bordering on depression.
On the other hand, this also means DD#3 is leaving us to go to boarding school in 2 weeks, leaving us with an empty nest. I am surprised at how much this is bothering me, as it has been long anticipated. I am consequently going thru some sort of a Mid-life Crisis (as dramatic as that sounds!) and bordering on depression.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Whose Fault is it Anyway?
As we drove to Bafoulabe for our week of Bible teaching with 2 old friends, Moise (Moses) & Ananias, we were asking what they knew of many mutual friends. We got to a certain career soldier named Jacques, there was a pause, and one said in surprise, "He died! Two years ago (we found out later it was 7 years ago)! Didn't you know?" Since he could only have been about 40, I exclaimed, "Was it an accident, or was he sick?"
"He had AIDS," I was told. That's always an uncomfortable pronouncement, since AIDS is sexually transmitted (here almost always heterosexually) and Jacques was a Christian.
Ananias filled the silence: "He was stationed in the far north (Sahara Desert) so he left his family back home and just visited them from time to time. It was those (Tribe x) women who infected him up there!"
It turns out that Jacques' wife died about 6 months after him (no big surprise there) and their only child shortly thereafter (she was probably conceived after her mother was infected).
Later, as Jim & I processed this conversation, we noticed that even though adultery is a sin in the Christian faith, it wasn't Jacques' fault he and his family died -- it was those (Tribe x) women! Perhaps this was said in the interest of not speaking ill of the dead (although those prostitutes are probably dead as well!), but I think it goes deeper than that.
For one thing, Malians believe that if a man goes without sex for too long, he'll become crazy or unstable. So the unspoken message is that not only could he not help what he did, but that he needed to do it.
Besides, Jacques is our friend, and those prostitutes are strangers...
Jacques is a believer and those (Tribe x) women were Muslims...
Jacques is from "our" tribe and they were from "another..."
So it was the fault of "those (Tribe x) women," not our poor dear brother who was only doing what is natural to a man in his situation.
And we think Western society is guilty of avoiding responsibility...
"He had AIDS," I was told. That's always an uncomfortable pronouncement, since AIDS is sexually transmitted (here almost always heterosexually) and Jacques was a Christian.
Ananias filled the silence: "He was stationed in the far north (Sahara Desert) so he left his family back home and just visited them from time to time. It was those (Tribe x) women who infected him up there!"
It turns out that Jacques' wife died about 6 months after him (no big surprise there) and their only child shortly thereafter (she was probably conceived after her mother was infected).
Later, as Jim & I processed this conversation, we noticed that even though adultery is a sin in the Christian faith, it wasn't Jacques' fault he and his family died -- it was those (Tribe x) women! Perhaps this was said in the interest of not speaking ill of the dead (although those prostitutes are probably dead as well!), but I think it goes deeper than that.
For one thing, Malians believe that if a man goes without sex for too long, he'll become crazy or unstable. So the unspoken message is that not only could he not help what he did, but that he needed to do it.
Besides, Jacques is our friend, and those prostitutes are strangers...
Jacques is a believer and those (Tribe x) women were Muslims...
Jacques is from "our" tribe and they were from "another..."
So it was the fault of "those (Tribe x) women," not our poor dear brother who was only doing what is natural to a man in his situation.
And we think Western society is guilty of avoiding responsibility...
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
What Color is God's Skin?
Our friend Neema (nay-mah) passed away last week. She was 35 y.o. and the only truly single person I've ever met here, because she was slightly handicapped. She had polio as a child, and the left side of her body was affected: she limped and had trouble getting into cars that were high off the ground (like most 4x4 vehicles owned by missionaries!), and her hand was twisted. In recent years she was quite sickly, tho I never knew exactly what with; she was always on the prayer list at church. They always referred to it as her sickness, tho I doubt it was still polio. She also had bad gum disease and therefore, terrible teeth.
So I told Jim that I've been picturing what she looks like now that she lives in heaven: standing up straight, with 2 strong arms and a full set of straight gleaming teeth. I imagine she is quite lovely now. He then asked me the funniest question: "Do you still see her as black?" What does that have to do with beauty?? Of course, she's still black!
Now lest you think my DH is a racist, he hastened to explain that his question was not based on which skin color is the most beautiful, but he was speculating whether something which has so divided people on earth will still exist in heaven.
I argued, "How else will we know each other if we don't basically resemble ourselves?" and...
"If God were to make us all one color, which would he choose?" To prefer one over another would simply justify the prejudices of this earth. Unless he went totally far-out and opted for green, purple, blue...
In heaven we will see the wrong in all our prejudices and not feel them anymore. Not all prejudices are based on skin, anyway, so changing that alone would be rather arbitrary. I reminded Jim of a pastor friend we have here, definitely a believer whom I expect to meet in heaven, who is clearly prejudiced against another ethnic group. They and he are the same color, but different tribe, and he is constantly making racist generalizations about them, something he has inherited from his culture, and a blind spot in his life. To him, his remarks are not racist, because he believes them to be true. That's the essence of prejudice, isn't it, the conviction that your beliefs cannot be racist because they are founded on truth?
There's a song that goes like this:
"What color is God's skin?
What color is God's skin?
I said, 'It's black, brown, it's yellow,
It is red and it's white,
Everyone's the same in the good Lord's sight.'"
Like the writer of that song, I don't believe heaven will consist of eliminating our differences, but rather of rejoicing in them.
So I told Jim that I've been picturing what she looks like now that she lives in heaven: standing up straight, with 2 strong arms and a full set of straight gleaming teeth. I imagine she is quite lovely now. He then asked me the funniest question: "Do you still see her as black?" What does that have to do with beauty?? Of course, she's still black!
Now lest you think my DH is a racist, he hastened to explain that his question was not based on which skin color is the most beautiful, but he was speculating whether something which has so divided people on earth will still exist in heaven.
I argued, "How else will we know each other if we don't basically resemble ourselves?" and...
"If God were to make us all one color, which would he choose?" To prefer one over another would simply justify the prejudices of this earth. Unless he went totally far-out and opted for green, purple, blue...
In heaven we will see the wrong in all our prejudices and not feel them anymore. Not all prejudices are based on skin, anyway, so changing that alone would be rather arbitrary. I reminded Jim of a pastor friend we have here, definitely a believer whom I expect to meet in heaven, who is clearly prejudiced against another ethnic group. They and he are the same color, but different tribe, and he is constantly making racist generalizations about them, something he has inherited from his culture, and a blind spot in his life. To him, his remarks are not racist, because he believes them to be true. That's the essence of prejudice, isn't it, the conviction that your beliefs cannot be racist because they are founded on truth?
There's a song that goes like this:
"What color is God's skin?
What color is God's skin?
I said, 'It's black, brown, it's yellow,
It is red and it's white,
Everyone's the same in the good Lord's sight.'"
Like the writer of that song, I don't believe heaven will consist of eliminating our differences, but rather of rejoicing in them.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
CHRIST IS RISEN! HE IS RISEN INDEED!
HAPPY EASTER!
I have to confess that I am dreading church tomorrow. I know that sounds terrible for a missionary.
One thing I like about the Christian holidays here is that they are very church-centered. That's a good thing. But the services on Christmas & Easter get really long. Every ethnic group (about 10 of them) shares a special song, in addition to those who sing weekly: the Ladies' Choir, the 2 children's choirs, the Bambara Choir, the French Choir. At Christmas, all this took nearly 4 hours, so when our colleague, Mark, got up to preach his well-prepared sermon, someone whispered in his ear, "Just 5 minutes, okay?"
On top of this, Easter falls in hot season. Last year, it got to 118F (ca. 48C) on Easter Sunday! I just get more and more uncomfortable and resentful, not at all the attitude one wishes to have on the highest holiday of the Christian faith. We also used to invite our non-Christian friends to church for the holiday, because a meal is served afterwards, but I just can't do it. I wouldn't wish that marathon on my worst enemy.
Mind you, the church members don't think it's a marathon. It's an expression of joy. But I don't happen to believe my Muslim friends appreciate it quite as much. Maybe I'm wrong.
I have to confess that I am dreading church tomorrow. I know that sounds terrible for a missionary.
One thing I like about the Christian holidays here is that they are very church-centered. That's a good thing. But the services on Christmas & Easter get really long. Every ethnic group (about 10 of them) shares a special song, in addition to those who sing weekly: the Ladies' Choir, the 2 children's choirs, the Bambara Choir, the French Choir. At Christmas, all this took nearly 4 hours, so when our colleague, Mark, got up to preach his well-prepared sermon, someone whispered in his ear, "Just 5 minutes, okay?"
On top of this, Easter falls in hot season. Last year, it got to 118F (ca. 48C) on Easter Sunday! I just get more and more uncomfortable and resentful, not at all the attitude one wishes to have on the highest holiday of the Christian faith. We also used to invite our non-Christian friends to church for the holiday, because a meal is served afterwards, but I just can't do it. I wouldn't wish that marathon on my worst enemy.
Mind you, the church members don't think it's a marathon. It's an expression of joy. But I don't happen to believe my Muslim friends appreciate it quite as much. Maybe I'm wrong.
Friday, April 6, 2007
Precious in the Sight of the Lord...
Our family was camping for 4 nites/3 days, and one of the first emails we received upon our return was this one:
"Please pray for Sue's husband Sid and the rest of our family. Sue had a massive stroke on Tuesday morning and heavy cerebral bleeding. She was declared brain dead at 4:30 pm Tuesday.
Bev
We are hanging in there with God's help!"
Bev is one of my oldest friends; she was matron of honor in my wedding. Sue is her older sister, I'm guessing about 56y.o.(?). What a shock.
I told DH that I think what really struck me is that this means people our age are starting to die. For some years past, we have been watching as our own parents aged and passed away, as well as the parents of our peers. Most of them are gone now, so now it's our peers themselves who are dying. Sure, we have known some to die really young (Woody Phillips, Larry Eenigenburg, Jim Faber) but they were the exception, not the rule (and in 2 cases they were the sons of fathers who had died very young). And if our peers are "old enuf" to die, that means we could be next!
Mind you, I am a Christian and I do not fear death. On the other hand, I'm no Apostle Paul either, so I'm not saying I'm dying to go to heaven right now either (excuse the pun!). What I most "fear" about the thought of dying relatively young is missing watching my kids grow up, and knowing my grandchildren. I suppose I also "fear" the means of dying -- I don't like pain very much!
Times like this it's really hard to be an ocean away. I should be at that funeral, but all I can do is send my condolences from a distance.
Psalm 116:15 "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints."
"Please pray for Sue's husband Sid and the rest of our family. Sue had a massive stroke on Tuesday morning and heavy cerebral bleeding. She was declared brain dead at 4:30 pm Tuesday.
Bev
We are hanging in there with God's help!"
Bev is one of my oldest friends; she was matron of honor in my wedding. Sue is her older sister, I'm guessing about 56y.o.(?). What a shock.
I told DH that I think what really struck me is that this means people our age are starting to die. For some years past, we have been watching as our own parents aged and passed away, as well as the parents of our peers. Most of them are gone now, so now it's our peers themselves who are dying. Sure, we have known some to die really young (Woody Phillips, Larry Eenigenburg, Jim Faber) but they were the exception, not the rule (and in 2 cases they were the sons of fathers who had died very young). And if our peers are "old enuf" to die, that means we could be next!
Mind you, I am a Christian and I do not fear death. On the other hand, I'm no Apostle Paul either, so I'm not saying I'm dying to go to heaven right now either (excuse the pun!). What I most "fear" about the thought of dying relatively young is missing watching my kids grow up, and knowing my grandchildren. I suppose I also "fear" the means of dying -- I don't like pain very much!
Times like this it's really hard to be an ocean away. I should be at that funeral, but all I can do is send my condolences from a distance.
Psalm 116:15 "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints."
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